Uit: Quite Ugly One Morning
“The postman had noticed that the door was ajar and had knocked on it, then pushed it further open, leaning in to see whether the occupant was all right. Upon seeing what was within he had simultaneously thrown up and wet himself, the upper and lower halves of his body depositing their damning comments on the situation either side of the aperture.
‘Postman must be built like the fuckin’ Tardis,’ McGregor muttered to himself, leaving vomity footprints on the floorboards as he trudged reluctantly down the hall. ‘How could a skinny wee smout like that hold so much liquid?’
He had a quick look at the lumpy puddle behind him. Onion, rice, the odd cardamom pod. Curry, doubtless preceded by a minimum six pints of heavy. Not quite so appetising second time around.
He turned again to face into the flat, took a couple of short paces, then heard a splash and felt something splat against his calves.
‘Sorry, sir. Long jump never was my speciality. Guess I’ll be for the high jump now, eh? Ha ha ha.’
Ah yes, thought McGregor. Only now was it complete. Deep down he had suspected that it wasn’t quite cataclysmically hellish enough yet, but now Skinner was here, and the final piece was in place. What this situation had needed, what it had been audibly crying out for, was a glaikit, baw-faced, irritating, clumsy, thick, ginger-heided bastard to turn up and start cracking duff jokes, and here was PC Gavin Skinner to answer the call.
He was not going to lose his temper. He felt that on a morning like this, it was only a short distance between snapping at Skinner and waking up in a soft room in Gogarburn, wearing a jumper with sleeves that fitted twice round the waist. He breathed in and out, closing his eyes for a short, beautiful second.
‘Gavin, you’re on spew-guarding duty,’ he said calmly. ‘Stay there. Guard the spew.’
‘Do you want me to take down its details, sir?’ Skinner asked loudly in his inimitable jiggle-headed way. ‘Read it its rights maybe?’
‘Yes, Gavin,’ McGregor said wearily. ‘All these things.’
Dear Lord, he thought, don’t make me kill him today when I won’t enjoy it.“
Christopher Brookmyre (Glasgow, 6 september 1968)